I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have fence marks all over my body
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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