Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize