you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
