paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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