Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
