I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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