Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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