mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize