is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
