I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I want a musical about memes.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
