i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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