i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
