I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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