i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
