you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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