i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize