he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So squirting runs in the family.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
