Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
