You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
