you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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