I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize