All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
