mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
