I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize