I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
