I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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