we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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