Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
