i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
