Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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