I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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