Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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