there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
