Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
