I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
