i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
