True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
