woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
