Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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