At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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