why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
