yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
