i just had sex bonerless
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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