I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Randomize
