i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I would fuck him just for his dog
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
