We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
