I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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