He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
