He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
