found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
