i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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