He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
