i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
