today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
