She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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