Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
