Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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