sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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