According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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