somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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