I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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