Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
