I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
