well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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