Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it hurts more in the daytime
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
