I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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