At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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